In a world dominated by super-fast connectivity (you know the sales pitch) – Satellite seems about as relevant as a coupon for Blockbuster at a Netflix convention (editor’s note: we are officially too old to think of more relevant pop-culture jokes. Skibidi Rizz).
In fact, we’ve compiled a Throwback list of things which were still trending when Satellite was last relevant (which, incidentally, includes the concept of Throwbacks):
- Mxit and BBM Pins
- Jay Jays
- Scratch and enter airtime vouchers
- The first debut of Anaconda on ETV
- Jean-Claude Van Damme
- Man United being good
- Elon Musk being proudly South African
Fact is (and we can’t pretend otherwise), Satellite is old. And not cool old, or even old enough to pass as cute – we’re talking ‘oupa saying “back in my day” while waving fist’ old.
If Satellite were a person, its ID number would be 1 – and it would still have the green ID book. There’s no two ways about it – it’s been here for a long time and a good time. It’s outlasted copper cables and 3G. Stayed the course when everyone was discovering what Wi-Fi means. It was there, solid and dependable when people blamed 5G for Covid. And, the way its going, chances are it’ll be there long after its current group of peers have moved on – like that kid in matric that was already there when you started, but nobody ever saw him graduate or recalls him being in any other year.
So, what’s the point of all of this? Are we going somewhere, or did we just wake up with a directive to write a blog about Satellite and decide to bash it for 1,000 words or less (gotta love malicious compliance).
Admittedly, this author wasn’t too enthused about the concept – how do we sell Betty White in a world full of Kim K’s? (again – the most recent pop-culturally diva we could think of).
If you’re talking connotations, Satellite evokes feelings of excitement rivalled only by the new VAT price – that is, until you dig beneath the surface (ironic, since it’s basically a fossil anyway).
Let’s state the obvious: Satellite isn’t for the person who just moved into the extremely unique and definitely different looking new Balwin property. It’s not for the tender-preneur, the guy next to the country club, your neighbourhood Karen or anyone in the city. However, neither is a tractor – but there’s a time, and a place, and a reason for everything. And we can guarantee you a tractor is a site more useful on its own turf than a dropped suspension GTI.
That’s not to say there’s not a place for the tech. Aside from people in outlying areas where Fibre lines are as rare as a working cell signal, the recent prancing of Elon has seen a big resurgence in Satellite being a buzzword globally – and no, not just because he’s flinging them into orbit like Oprah giving out cars—“you get a satellite, you get a satellite!”
The truth is, Satellite has quietly reinvented itself. It’s no longer just the chunky metal dish bolted to your oupa’s roof, picking up reruns of Knight Rider. It’s become leaner, smarter, and in some instances, surprisingly cool (in a very niche, sci-fi-adjacent kind of way).
Modern satellite tech is the silent hero of rural connectivity, remote operations, emergency services, and that weird stretch of road where even your playlists refuse to load. It’s what keeps oil rigs online, helps farmers track crop health from space, and connects ships in the middle of nowhere so they can still order pizza (ok, maybe not quite—but close).
In fact, with the rise of LEO (low-earth orbit) constellations and private companies entering the game, Satellite’s gone from dusty relic to… well, still old—but old with a gym membership and a side hustle.
Is it glamorous? No.
Is it trending on TikTok? Definitely not.
But is it essential? More than ever.
So before you write it off completely, remember: just because something isn’t flashy doesn’t mean it’s not powerful. Satellite’s like that one uncle who shows up to the braai with tools, biltong, and obscure knowledge about boreholes—you don’t get it, but you’re glad he’s there when things go wrong.
Satellite’s not trying to win Prom King any more. It’s not chasing trends or hashtags. It’s just out here, doing its thing, keeping the forgotten corners of the world connected—and that, in this fast-paced digital mess, might just be the coolest thing of all.
Long live the dish.
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